B Ur Everything

Four letter word

But I don't have the guts to say it

Smile 'til it hurts

Let's not make it complicated

We've got a story

But I'm about to change the ending

You're perfect for me

And more than just a friend

So we can just stop pretending now

Gotta let you know somehow

We used to say

That we would always stick together

But who's to say

That we could never last forever

Girl, got a question

Could you see yourself with somebody else?

'Cause I'm on a mission

And I don't wanna share

I want you all to myself right now

And I just wanna scream it out

No matter what you do

I'll be there for you

And every time you close your eyes

I will be by your side

'Cause every time you make me sing

Baby I will be your everything

I'll be your shelter

I'll be your storm

I'll make you shiver

I'll keep you warm

Whatever weather

Baby I'm yours

Be your forever, be your fling

Baby I will be your everything

**************************

Sampah #21

Duduk aku di pagi ini
Mengadap jendela yang ditembusi cahaya mentari pagi
Yang sangat cerah dan hangat
Yang tak pernah lalai membuat alam menjadi indah
Yang tak pernah leka menyinari hidup setiap makhluk
Walau sekecil mana makhluk itu
Sinaran mentari itu amat adil dan amat jujur

Lalu aku bangun
Berdiri mengadap jendela
Fikiranku melayang
Ke suatu daerah yang pernah aku lalui
Di daerah di mana aku bertemu kamu
Di daerah yang amat bermakna padaku hari ini

Tak pernah aku jangka
Jauh sekali menduga
Kita seakrab ini
Walaupun bermacam-macam mehnah
Bernimbun tribulasi
Natijahnya kita telah di sini
Di sebuah daerah yang lain
Di sebuah daerah yang istimewa
Di sebuah daerah yang indah

Jauh disudut hati
Amat aku bersyukur
Di pertemukan dgn kamu
Dulu gelap
Sekarang cerah

Terima kasih atas keindahan
Terimah kasih atas kegembiraan
Terima kasih atas kemesraan
Terima kasih atas setiap senyuman

Terima kasih...

AKUstatik
9:37am
17:11:2012

Everything

You're a falling star, you're the get away car.
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And you're the perfect thing to say.

And you play it coy but it's kinda cute.
Ah, when you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend that you don't know it's true.
'cause you can see it when I look at you.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.

And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man,
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
And you know that's what our love can do.
And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, you make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

Guardian

"Guardian"

You, you who has smiled when you’re in pain
You who has soldiered through the profane
They were distracted and shut down

So why, why would you talk to me at all
Such words were dishonorable and in vain
Their promise as solid as a fog

And where was your watchman then

I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian

You, you in the chaos feigning sane
You who has pushed beyond what’s humane
Them as the ghostly tumbleweed

And where was your watchman then

I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian

Now no more smiling mid crestfall
No more managing unmanageables
No more holding still in the hailstorm

Now enter your watchman

I’ll be your keeper for life as your guardian
I’ll be your warrior of care your first warden
I’ll be your angel on call, I’ll be on demand
The greatest honor of all, as your guardian

In Love....Or just a Crush?

In front of the person you like, your heart
beats faster
But in front of the person you love, you get
happy.

In front of the person you love, winter seems
like spring.
But in front of the person you like, winter is
just beautiful winter.

If you look into the eyes of the one you like,
you blush.
But if you look into the eyes of the one you
love, you smile.

In front of the person you like, you can't say
everything on your mind.
But in front of the person you love, you can.

In front of the person you like, you tend to get
shy.
But in front of the person you love, you can
show your own self.

You can't look straight into the eyes of the
one you like.
But you can always smile and stare into the
eyes of the one you love.

When the one you like is crying, you end
up comforting.
But when the one you love is crying, you cry
with
them.

The feeling of like starts from the ear.
But the feeling of love starts from the eye.

So if you stop liking a person you used to
like, all you need to do is cover your ears.
But if you try to close your eyes, love turns
into a drop of tear and remains in your heart
forever...

Numb

Erase. Erase. Delete. Delete. 

Life would be too easy if only I could do that. 

A wise muse once told me, God never gives you more than you can handle. I agree muse. I have had some bad times. I have had some rough times. I have had some REALLY REALLY horrible times. 

But even the strong need help sometimes. And its always ok to be able to say, "I need your help"

The mood swings are still eratic. But they are getting better. And I am getting help. Proper help. Medicational help.

Funny. I woke up this morning entirely ready to face the day knowing that at the end of it all my emotions will be wiped out.

Yes, I begged for emotions to be wiped out. Clear. She told me that my happiness will be muted as much as my sadness. 

"Its ok. I don't need happiness anymore. I havent held that emotion in my hands for a long long time now. Sometimes I forget how it was."

She had stared at me with pitiful eyes. Sorry that everything I had was always bottled up. 

"Cant you talk about it?"

"My friends, they hear a glimpse of my life and I see it in their eyes that they cant handle it. I don't see why I have to keep on torturing them. So I keep it all inside. Ive done this all my life. Its ok."

She looked at me sadly, and wrote on the piece of paper, sealing my freedom. 



***



I woke up this morning so sure that my feelings for her would be gone. 

Modern medication is a wonderful thing you know. 

But she spoke to me. Breaking our silence, breaking the truce, breaking my anger. 

Was she worth keeping emotions for? I wondered. Is the happiness that I always have with her worth the pain she always feeds me?

I don't even know why she spoke to me. Devils singing? Angels screaming? Why? Why? Why?

Is this an attempt to not lose me?

(I cant lose you anymore)

How many times must we go through this cycle? Tip-toe. Tell me what you know. Confusion?

I am. 

Funny. I wake up every morning thinking of you. 



***



In the morning. Pop pop. 

Another one slides down.

Another emotion gets burnt out.

If I could feel happiness, this would be it.

Being able to feel nothing at all.

The man who said to love and lost is better than never to have loved at all.

Yes that man.

He is a fool.

uGotme~

There's so many things I wanna say
Can't stop thinking of you from night to day
How your words manage to find their way
To the darkest part of my 4 chambered clay

I Love You I Love You is all i wanna say
And be in your arms till the break of day
and I hope you don't mind that as from today
There'll not be a day you're not remembered this way

You

I look down the ballroom, 
Eyes open wide, 
Looking for clue, trying to look for something, 
Until then i saw you

You were busy with your friends, or so what it seems, 
But there's something different about you, which makes it perfect for me. 

As our eyes meet for the first time, 
I know you can see, 
The burning desire to meet you in person, 
But you try to avoid me. 

You're a pearl among the sands,
You're the diamond among the rough, 
i try and try to reach you, 
Coz i know that 'hi' wasn't enough. 

As the courtship begin, between me and you, 
I heard that you're taken, but i know it wasn't true. 

I climb the walls and cross the thorny bushes to try to get to you. 
But you only smile and waved hi, 
Your actions drive me to get more of you. 

So please my dear, my darling you, 
Can i offer you a drink, or perhaps supper too?
I wanna get to know you better, i hope you do too, 
We'll begin a new chapter, of me and you. 

Don't Wanna Lose You Now

I never thought that I would lose my mind

That I could control this

Never thought that I'd be left behind

That I was stronger than you, baby

Girl if only I knew what I've done

You know, so why don't you tell me

And I, I would bring down the moon and the sun

To show how much I care

I've got this feeling you're not gonna stay

It's burning within me

The fear of losing

Of slipping away

It keeps getting closer, baby

Whatever reason to live that I've had

My place was always beside you

And I wish that I didn't need you so bad

Your face just won't go away

I never thought that I would lose my mind

That I could control this

Never thought that I'd be left behind

That I was stronger than you

Don't wanna lose you now

I know we can win this

Don't wanna lose you now

Don't wanna lose you now 

#Sampah 20

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

~Pablo Neruda

Sampah #19

Terima kasih.... 


sebab sudi kawan ngn saya, 


sudi kenal saya, 


sudi msg2 saya, 


Sudi layan kebodohan saya, 


dan sudi jadi sebahagian dari hari2 saya.




Terima kasih.... ..... ....

Sampah #18

I'm tired..

I'm done..

Had enough

The bullshit and lies

I'm Done

After I tried

To play ur games

To win ur heart

So goodbye Smile

And Welcome Horror

To the face of man

who was once a cheerer

Sampah #17

FLOWER OF LOVE by Oscar Wilde

Sweet, I blame you not, for mine the fault was, had I not been made of common clay
I had climbed the higher heights unclimbed yet, seen the fuller air, the larger day.

From the wildness of my wasted passion I had struck a better, clearer song,
Lit some lighter light of freer freedom, battled with some Hydra-headed wrong.

Had my lips been smitten into music by the kisses that but made them bleed,
You had walked with Bice and the angels on that verdant and enamelled meed.

I had trod the road which Dante treading saw the suns of seven circles shine,
Ay! perchance had seen the heavens opening, as they opened to the Florentine.

And the mighty nations would have crowned me, who am crownless now and without name,
And some orient dawn had found me kneeling on the threshold of the House of Fame.

I had sat within that marble circle where the oldest bard is as the young,
And the pipe is ever dropping honey, and the lyre's strings are ever strung.

Keats had lifted up his hymeneal curls from out the poppy-seeded wine,
With ambrosial mouth had kissed my forehead, clasped the hand of noble love in mine.

And at springtide, when the apple-blossoms brush the burnished bosom of the dove,
Two young lovers lying in an orchard would have read the story of our love;

Would have read the legend of my passion, known the bitter secret of my heart,
Kissed as we have kissed, but never parted as we two are fated now to part.

For the crimson flower of our life is eaten by the cankerworm of truth,
And no hand can gather up the fallen withered petals of the rose of youth.

Yet I am not sorry that I loved you -ah! what else had I a boy to do? -
For the hungry teeth of time devour, and the silent-footed years pursue.

Rudderless, we drift athwart a tempest, and when once the storm of youth is past,
Without lyre, without lute or chorus, Death the silent pilot comes at last.

And within the grave there is no pleasure, for the blindworm battens on the root,
And Desire shudders into ashes, and the tree of Passion bears no fruit.

Ah! what else had I to do but love you? God's own mother was less dear to me,
And less dear the Cytheraean rising like an argent lily from the sea.

I have made my choice, have lived my poems, and, though youth is gone in wasted days,
I have found the lover's crown of myrtle better than the poet's crown of bays.

Sampah #16

aku tak tahu nak tulis apa
tapi aku nak menulis
sedikit idea pun tak datang
aku hanya tulis apa yang ada dalam kepala

sebetulnya aku sedikit sakit
serba salah pon ada
macam ada buat salah
macam ada buat org rasa sakit hati
macam ada buat orang geram

aku cuba nak bagi tahu sesuatu
aku tak nak benda yang sama jadi lagi
tapi orang memang takkan paham
mungkin tiada siapa paham

apa yang aku inginkan tak pernah nya jadi
semuanya sebab yang sama
ahhh..
biar lah
moga esok selesai semuanya
moga esok cerah mcm biasa
moga esok aku lupa akan segalanya


Give me one more quiet night,
Before this loud morning gets it right and does me in.
Does this story have an ending?
Cause I’m needing to escape.
And kill the blinding lights of day to try again.
Close my eyes and start descending....






sign off~

Sampah #15

Pernah awk mengalami situasi 

Di mana Awk suka kt seseorang

tapi orang tu dah ada yang punya?

Pernah tak awk alami

Di mana awk suka kat seseorang

tapi org tu suka kt orang lain?

Mungkin awk akan kata

"tu laaa, sape suh lambat..."

Tapi masalahnya saya tak pernah lambat

Saya bertindak dengan cepat

Last-last saya yang kecewa

Dia dh berpunya rupanya

Apa yang boleh saya buat

Perlukah saya tunggu seribu tahun lagi

Atau saya ini telah ditakdirkan keseorangan selamanya

Perlukah saya berhenti mencari?

Perlukah saya give up?

kerana setiap 'peluang' yang ada di depan mata

selalunya di sapu orang terlebih dahulu

Jiwa sudah letih

Lelah mencipta harapan

Andai diri ini keseorangan selamanya

Aku redha

Sampah #14

Everyone has a story to tell. well... this is my story and aku bahagikan kepada 10 stages.


Stage 1: Discovery

kadang-kadang dalam hidup

kita akan jumpa sesuatu yg istimewa

bagi aku, hanya seorang gadis.

seorang gadis yang aku nampak cukup sempurna.

walaupun pada hakikatnya

hidup dia penuh dengan kisah sedih

well, at least itu yang aku dapat tahu

masa 1st time aku jumpa dia

aku dapat tahu yang dia putus tunang

aku dapat tahu yang dia tgh bercelaru

aku dapat tahu yang emosi dia terganggu disebabkan lelaki itu

aku dapat tahu all her struggle and pain

apa yang dia lalui hari demi hari

dan aku tertanya-tanya dalam diri

"kenapa semuanya terjadi?"

Stage 2: Guardianship

pertama kali berjumpa

tears rolling down form her eyes

I was wondering why

and she start talking

recalling all the event

painful it is to me

but i kept on listening

listening...

listening...

listen to all her rant

to all her crying

no matter what she has to say

i just listen

and listen

and listen

because it is more important than anything else

just to be there for her

a shoulder for her to cry on

Stage 3: letting loose

makin lama

kami makin rapat

tapi aku rasa makin pelik

aku cuba untuk kawal keadaan

sebab she open up everything to me

aku started to notice that she smiling again

aku rasa happy sebab dia dh happy

tapi aku masih berhati-hati

tapi tak lama

aku dan dia jadi kawan baik

selalu hangout sama-sama

selalu minum sama-sama

layan live-band sama-sama

sampai aku rasa

"hey, shes so cool and i think i like this girl.."

and everything she does amazed me

and for some reason, i started to fall for this girl

but it so confusing

because i don't know her feeling

and this is where things got so complicated

Stage 4: Build - up

Things were so perfect between me and her

almost unreal

i felt that love is in the air

the way she talk

the way she smile

it just something about her yg aku tak pernah nampak sebelum ni

in everything that she does

and maybe

just maybe

i felt hope....

Stage 5: The drop

Aku rasa macam semua ni agak gila

dan aku tertanya-tanya

adakah dia pun rasa macam apa yang aku rasa

ke aku sorang je

ke dia tgh buat aku gila bayang

i need to ask her for a date

a real date

not like the date where we just hangout and drink "limau asamboi" and eat "cucur udang"

i call her

like a several times

no answer

i sent text massages

but she did not reply

and this shite go on and on and on and on

until few weeks later

until one day

i got message in my YM.

"razie, can u give me ur address. i nak send kad jemputan kat u."

what was i expecting?

what was i thinking

what hope was there to begin with....

Stage 6: The Darkest hour

Some people handle the depressing moment by doing something positive

but others are not

well, i'm one of the 'others'

I started to gave her bad names

profanity included to be honest

There is no other way to combat that depressing situation

only by eating i found my solace

i ate

and ate

and ate

the threw up

and ate again

and again

and again.....

Stage 7: The Realization

One day

I felt horrible

I felt I cannot stand up

My feet was killing me

And they were no longer have the ability to support my body anymore.

I felt tired

all the time

I look in the mirror

"Ya Tuhanku, what have i done???"

I need to do something

before its too late

before i die with all this hate in my vein.

Stage 8: The Redemption

I went to the gym

workout

bring it

pushing everything to the limit

and i will not stop

sampai aku betul-betul keluar dari lembah yang satu ini

Chapter 9: The Resurrection 

Years later

I'm a different person

I'm no longer that Razie

that dude gone with half of my body weight

I fell confident

no longer eating

coz i just found my solace in running

and lifting weights

but i never stop thinking about her

its not like i want to get her back

i just want us to be friends again

but someone told me not to

so i just have to let go and move on

start to look for a new hope

i guess......

Stage 10: The Escape

All I know shes happy

Shes happy with her new life

and that jerk she got married to

well..

its not totally her fault

its my fault as well

I should tell her from the beginning

and that why sometimes I wonder

if I made that early move

she will be with me forever

but...

I have to move on

although i hate to build another hope

and become hopeless

but actually there's something good about hope

you see, the thing about hope is that

it has a way of working things out by itself

as long as I keep saying

"hi, my name is Razie...'

pretty soon I will find 'the one' I've been waiting for...

note to the readers (if any): This shite is based on TheMingThing video "Alove, Forever" just taip the title on Youtube and you will find the video. Nevertheless, the story is a true story. based on my own experience in battling my obesity and emotional problem.

Sampah #13

bangun pagi ini
aku termenung memikir
mungkin ada hikmah
di sebalik tribulasi jiwa

seorang kawan berkata;

 "Anyway, u were prepare for this. so, its time to move on to a better fishes out there. On the bright side, u now have more to choose from. dun give up hope..."

lantas aku alirkan
segala aura positif
ke dalam minda ini
supaya hidup ini
kembali 'happy'

aku buangkan jauh-jauh
rasa yang 'tahi' itu
agar dapat aku layarkan
hidup yg lebih tenteram dan jitu

p/s: Lets go and pump some iron.

Sampah #12

FRIDAY..

Thank God its Friday

i want to meet her on saturday

plan to buy a flower pink roses perhaps

Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies.

and The Curve port baekk kot.

SATURDAY

Today is the day

Roses (Checked!)

Famous Amos (Checked!)

The Curve (parking availibility Checked!)

Now,

just wait

and wait

and wait

and wait

and.......

"Awak, sorry.. saya tak dapat jumpa awak hari ini. Next time la yer..."




Hampa...


Punohhhh...


Hiba...




A couple of texts on Whatsapp screw everything up.


Balik laaa....




SUNDAY


Noon...
At Wangsa Walk CF


Just finished Workout
Check Wildfire
Check Whatsapp Messenger


She's online..


"Awak free tak hari ni?"


No Answer...




Walk to the ROTIBOY
and saw her
Agak terkejut


"Who is that guy?"


They are holding hands
Mesraaaa...




He is very lucky
and i'm the loser.




MONDAY




...................................................

Sampah #11

Kamu sedih 
Kamu terluka 
Kamu membenci 
Tapi 
Aku tetap memahami 

Kamu rasa lonely 
Kamu rasa sepi 
Kamu rasa sunyi 
Tapi 
Kamu tak sedar 
Aku selalu disini 

Kamu happy 
Kamu suka hati 
Kamu nampak riang sekali 
Sebab 
Aku yang bikin kamu senang hati 

Tolong senyum 
Jgn bersedih 
Kamu kuat 
Kamu hebat 
Dia tinggalkan kamu 
Tapi 
Aku akan sentiasa ada untuk kamu 
Hari hari 
Sampai aku mati 

Sampah #10

1st time i saw u

kat Facebook

Not stalking u

but u suddenly appear 

kat my 'People You May Know' tab

2nd time i saw u

after i add u

not ur cute face that attract me

but ur pretty eyes behind the instrument u like to hangout with

3rd time i saw u

well, 

it upset me a bit

coz its u with a guy

i thought he was ur friend

but clearly he is more than that

the 4th time this time
we accidently met
when i was in the rush
u recognised  and say 'hi' to me
which i definitely never forget



now came the 5th time i saw u
u were very happy
of course with that guy u see
i was frustrated indeed
and pray that u will always be happy

a year later

last time i saw u
u r sad
u r ignoring me
u just silence
didn't make a word


a few month later..........


i saw u again for the 7th times
u look different then before
brighter then before
more fetterless then before



i only making an assumption
theoritize about ur life but

Sometimes...

i wonder whats going on
i wonder what happen to u
i wonder u whether u have fulfilled ur dreams
and i wonder will i ever see u again

if only u know...

that u r the one who planted the seeds
that after a year it blooms into an immortal roses
my only wish is
if only u could give me a 2nd chance
to give back this roses to u.

Sampah #9

Duduk aku pada daerah ini

menjenguk jendela

mendongak langit yg gelita

sepi

hanya dingin angin malam 

menyapa pipi

Duduk aku di daerah ini

Yang baru merasai pedih

Selepas bertatih mencipta realiti

Sepi juga yg kembali menyelubungi

Di daerah ini aku terus merenung langit

Melantun-lantun rasa hati

Mungkin natijah pengorbanan ini

Mengharapkan kegembiraan dia

Moga korban ini 

Bawa bahagia buatnya

Di daerah sepi ini

Aku mendongak langit

Allahu Rabbi...

Mohon rasa ini tidak berpanjangan...

p/s: rindu awk sangat2...

Sampah #8

Reminiscing...

Tibe tibe teringat masa aku mula-mula nak kenal kamu dulu.
Dulu takde Fesbuk mcm skrg.
Takde twitter nak follow kamu mcm skrg.
Yahumesenjer pun tak reti pakai sgt.
Henpon 3310 je la jadi penghubung.

Puas berusaha
Dapat la no tepon kamu
Mula la kalam kabut 
Ape nak buat pun tak tahu
"kau miskol je dulu," kata Abu
Aku pun miskol kamu
Tiada miskol balik

Esoknya
"One messege recieved"

Open....

"siapa ni yer?"
Aku senyum..
Nokia mmg "Connecting people".

(Selepas 4 bulan)

Hubungan jarak jauh ni mmg tak best
Nak2 plak aku je yang perasan lebih
Kan best kalau dia ada depan mata
Takde la rasa 'loser' sangat mcm skrg ni

"hye there, i'm in town. Lets meet tonyt"

Whoahh..
Dia ade kt kl laa
Nak jumpa ke tak

Nak jumpa ke tak

"jumpa je laaa!"
Kata Abu..

"ok. Jumpa u kt klcc k?..."

Hampir tiap2 saat mengelap peluh dimuka
Hampir setiap detik check rambut kt cermin
Pening nak pakai baju apa
Kasut pun pinjam abu punya
Aku tak mahu nampak "loser"

Naik lrt sampai klcc
Demmit, aku sorang dia bertiga
"hi, how are u" jadi pembuka kata
Pastu senyap dia plak dok sembang dgn kawan kawan dia.

"lets take a picture of u two together" 
"boleh jgk," aku kata
"eh, tak payah lah." kata si dia
Nmpk sgt aku "loser"
Aku yg tergedik dia cool ajer.

Today (8 years since that 1st date)

"I used to b in love with u. I felt for ur smile. I said it everytime we spoke. U want us to be friends. I want more than that. Bcoz u r my first love. U said we were not meant to be. But today u are my wife. 

Happy anniversary hun...