Numb

Erase. Erase. Delete. Delete. 

Life would be too easy if only I could do that. 

A wise muse once told me, God never gives you more than you can handle. I agree muse. I have had some bad times. I have had some rough times. I have had some REALLY REALLY horrible times. 

But even the strong need help sometimes. And its always ok to be able to say, "I need your help"

The mood swings are still eratic. But they are getting better. And I am getting help. Proper help. Medicational help.

Funny. I woke up this morning entirely ready to face the day knowing that at the end of it all my emotions will be wiped out.

Yes, I begged for emotions to be wiped out. Clear. She told me that my happiness will be muted as much as my sadness. 

"Its ok. I don't need happiness anymore. I havent held that emotion in my hands for a long long time now. Sometimes I forget how it was."

She had stared at me with pitiful eyes. Sorry that everything I had was always bottled up. 

"Cant you talk about it?"

"My friends, they hear a glimpse of my life and I see it in their eyes that they cant handle it. I don't see why I have to keep on torturing them. So I keep it all inside. Ive done this all my life. Its ok."

She looked at me sadly, and wrote on the piece of paper, sealing my freedom. 



***



I woke up this morning so sure that my feelings for her would be gone. 

Modern medication is a wonderful thing you know. 

But she spoke to me. Breaking our silence, breaking the truce, breaking my anger. 

Was she worth keeping emotions for? I wondered. Is the happiness that I always have with her worth the pain she always feeds me?

I don't even know why she spoke to me. Devils singing? Angels screaming? Why? Why? Why?

Is this an attempt to not lose me?

(I cant lose you anymore)

How many times must we go through this cycle? Tip-toe. Tell me what you know. Confusion?

I am. 

Funny. I wake up every morning thinking of you. 



***



In the morning. Pop pop. 

Another one slides down.

Another emotion gets burnt out.

If I could feel happiness, this would be it.

Being able to feel nothing at all.

The man who said to love and lost is better than never to have loved at all.

Yes that man.

He is a fool.